Dear Church, things happen when you least expect them to.

Long vulnerable post incoming—sorry not sorry.

Last week I spent a few days at a retreat in NC which I thought was a workshop…let me explain.

I received an email from the National Association of Evangelicals saying that I was recommended to participate in a cohort and I gave it a quick read and thought to myself, “yes! I can bring this teaching back home and start some formation groups and all shall be well!”

I had a little scare at the airport because I didn’t initially book a rental car. After a small panick, Ann who is my hero, gets me one quicky. Turns out I was right all along and didn’t need one because the place was close to the airport, but I decided to keep it. The rental car plays an important role later, so bear with me…

I’m driving towards the place and take a left turn down a very windy, isolated road and thought, “hmm…where in the world is this taking me?” I turn into the, “St. Francis Prayer Center,” and that’s when it hit me…I’m in a monastery in the middle of the woods.

I enter the place a little (a lot) agitated and they greet me warmly and hand me the schedule and that’s when I realized, “this isn’t a training…this is a spiritual retreat.” I kept looking at the schedule and the second day kicked off with a 4 hour retreat of…drum roll please…SILENCE. Y’all. Do you know what prolonged silence does to an extrovert like me?!

I go to my room and I am livid. I throw my stuff on the bed and start arguing with God telling Him that I had THINGS 👏🏽TO 👏🏽DO 👏🏽 and didn’t have time for this. He let me vent…but He was silent.

We enter for the first session and the woman leading says, “take a deep breath in, and let it out,” and I think, “Great. It’s this kind of retreat…” and reluctantly proceeded to breathe in, and as I breathed out I heard the Lord’s gentle whisper, “I know you’re angry. I know you don’t want to be here, but I need you to be here.”

The woman continued, “This place is for you. The Lord wants to meet you where you are to be healed, refreshed and restored.”

And it was right there, that the Lord softened my heart and readied me for what was coming in the days ahead. He dug up a lot of deep rooted anger and bitterness that I had been carrying around for some time now. Anger that I thought was dealt with. Anger that immediately popped out the second I received the retreat schedule. Anger that has been chewing at my heart and trying to steal my joy. Anger that I had been noticing, but was shoving down and “dealing with it” the “best I could.”

Friends, I did not want this, but I needed this. It was a balm to my soul. Not even gonna lie, the 4 hours of silence was almost maddening…by the end I was twitching to talk to another human being! BUT it’s remarkable what you can hear the Lord say and what you can see in nature when you are intentionally quiet and leaning in.

So, here I am. Post-national gathering, post-retreat, pre-installation service, pre-Pakistan mission trip and I feel a gentle peace, joy and hope of the Lord over me like a blanket saying, “all shall be well.”

And the rental car dilema? Blessing in disguise. Here I am sitting on a dear friend's couch in Durham, NC. She grew up at the church I pastor now, and her parents faithfully serve there while she’s serving as a pastor down here in NC. We met during the ordination process a few years back, and now are friends. And what a God-incidence (there are no coincidences), because whilst trying to figure out what to do before my flight home, she welcomed me into her home, gave me a place to sleep and an open heart to process what the Lord had done in these days.

If you’re still here reading, thanks for sticking around! I’m praying for you—and praying for a moment where you can retreat with Jesus, practice silence and let Him dig up anything that He needs to heal. I’m praying that you’re open to His move, His correction, and His leading.

Peace✌🏽